She Saw Him First

Hi everyone! Try to decipher the duality I refer to throughout this story. It will make complete sense…both ways!

In university, I was fervently attached to impermanence and how it spoke to love and the meaning of life. My creative process started with a blank canvas, although it did not have to be canvas, it could have been anything.

Definition: Complete; sheer.

Purpose: To feel everything; to be whole. 

And with that, I commenced. Commenced a process of removing completeness; commenced a process of covering up visibility – to reveal something different. I utilized a very special skill set that I have discovered and use fervently today.

What is this very special skill set you ask?

I’m not sure, you tell me.

Identity?

I am simple. I am me. I am beauty in everything. I am everywhere you need to be.

Pushing down non-artistic capabilities; denying intellectual understandings. It was easier to pretend that I didn’t have drive, than to begin the self-exploration required to achieve bigger and better things. I hated that I lacked moral support. I loathed that I was just an ‘artist’. If only I had been shown empathy and was equipped with real world survival skills, everything could have been so different.

Thus, laziness could be defined as such –

Everything should be unique. The space-time continuum moves forward and does not evaluate past failures, previous motivations or work.

My struggle with identity began as a young woman. I felt completely transparent and to make matters worse, my mom would try to help me by uncovering my supposed weaknesses – piano, French, public speaking, pretty much everything. I just wasn’t at the receiving end. I did not know how to define it or how to get there with her help or by myself. So, where did this laziness come from? Was it genetic? By the time it would have mattered (from high school to university) my mom did not have the energy or input abilities to output my success on top of everything she was dealing with (likely mental health issues and more severe complexities). She struggled with many things, and so I struggled with the same. So is that it? I was lazy to take care of my mom? Growing up was about resisting and playing, if safe.

We both lived in fear.

Fear of being; fear of leaving.

Fear is weakness. Be passionate. Be real. Be able to tackle everyday things with insight, knowledge and strength. Who I am today.

The past can come back to haunt us, but we choose to live in the present. We must.

Who remembers the wallpaper in their baby bedroom? Who recalls the vibrant tones of shag rugs in every ‘box’ throughout the house – intense violet, indiscernible mustard, Oscar the Grouch green, rusty red and so on and so forth. Do these memories matter? Yes and yes!

Definition: He has a green body, no visible nose, and lived in a trash can.

Purpose: To love my body, my style and the way I write. 

Outcome: Writing is code, it is a system we are creating for ourselves and more importantly, for others.

Who recalls bubblegum pink mohair, fresh brand T-shirts from The Body Shop or Le Chateau. Things have changed so much in fashion; things have changed so much in our world.

We are united, we are technological. We are happy and we are digital. 

Really?

Yup, listen to me. I still need to figure out how to convert everything! How do I realistically explain our digital way of being? Not there yet. It will come.

Rewind.

In university, I obsessed over process to the point where I think it became my source of envy. I didn’t understand how he (Bradley Harms, artist, Calgary, AB) could make prints nothingly-ly.

How did he do that?!

I do not know; I am so worried.

Are you sure?

Listen, at the time, my inner artist screamed. It didn’t matter that I was making things with my own hands or that I was taking things that were already whole, erasing them and reconstructing a sort of murder scene using Exs and Ohs. It didn’t matter that I was mapping. Or napping even. What mattered is that I could have turned out. What mattered is that my mom loved my art. But it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough until I succeed!

I was meditating, frowning worries and heartaches away from medicated pens and BIC Wite-Out. In my mind, I was substantiating Gilles Deleuze…and I quote:

“Writing has nothing to do with meaning. It has to do with land surveying and cartography, including the mapping of countries yet to come.” ― Gilles Deleuze

Definition: The technique, profession, and science of determining the terrestrial or three-dimensional positions of points and the distances and angles between them.

Purpose: There is already a movie about language saving the world. It’s called Arrival. Can we really still cure cancer with letters? Bubble letters at that (Blocks speaking of Bubble + Blocks, Calgary, AB, 2005)? This was my original thesis, you see.

Outcome: Today, I do not know the answer or I am tired. That is the thing with Global Comprehension. It involves too many things. The only sure thing I’m certain of is, I will be the one to figure it out and communicate it to the masses. Just wait and see! 

Mapping the continuum can spark regret; so better focus on real world debacles.

This is already occurring.

I am something out there.

As per Greenpeace.

My trek is long and arduous.

Bold and filled with assumption.

What matters however, is living continually knowing that I am loved and spectacular.

And must I reiterate. No thanks.

All of this work transmutes the power of love and the power of regression through ignorance.  Still, we get tired of things. Always.

They all say: she is trying to objectify life; she is avoiding subjectivity.

The beauty is in interpretation!

Thanks to you, Chonie (my mom with depths greater than the sea).

❤